Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Why am I bummed on day I should be happy?

3 years ago today my husband and I got married. This should make me so happy today. Why am I so bummed?

If you're a family member reading this blog, I suggest you get a kleenex, toilet paper, paper towel, sleeve, something to wipe the tears and or snot that might possibly follow reading this blog today.

To make it clear, I am NOT bummed about my marraige. I am only bummed about certain experiences lately, or lack thereof.

Maybe if I dealt with it sooner rather than later, or not at all as seems to be the case for me, but I feel like Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh. Sad and dreary. This is of course from my papaw's death on August 18th, 2008. I took a week off to go and be with my family. As soon as I got home (back to Maryland) though I hit the ground running and never looked back until I was forced by a certain song, memory, experience, sighting that reminded me of my papaw. Then it was bucket o' tears, then kleenex to dry it up, then I forced it away to focus on some of the pressing things that I had had to deal with (work, Tuff, work, Tuff, work, Tuff, Tuff) not to mention the regular things that you get caught up with on a typical day.

So needless to say, there is a possibility that I never grieved totally. That I didn't let it fully sink in. That I didn't want to believe it.

Sad thing is, that occasionally I think, I need to write a letter to papaw, it's been awhile. He liked letters. Then I realize why I haven't written that letter. He's not going to get it. I always wrote Meme and papaw a letter at the same time. I secretly feel like i'll have a meltdown if I write their letter. Only 1 letter this time. Instead of 2.

Then I get news from my mama yesterday that their selling his house. Already. The church next door is buying it and is going to use it as a home for under priveledged families for a couple of years, then they're going to demolish it (ouch) and build their sanctuary. I am glad that it will be used for a purpose such as this, but the thing is this: After Friday none of us will be able to go in it anymore. That hurts. It is in North Carolina. I am in Maryland. I can't see it anymore. I wanted to do one last walk through and see things as they used to be. My grandmother still sits in the kitchen watching black and white movies on AMC on her 13'' television eating peanut butter crackers while papaw sits in the den watching M*A*S*H playing solitaire with a deck of cards that beg to be replaced with a brand new deck. I just have so many memories in that house, and I guess I always thought that if I walked through it, I will always be able to see things that reminded me of them, things that I can picture in my mind that used to be there, then it wouldn't hurt so bad because I would feel closer to them. Knowing that the yard my grandmother and papaw, and the last 7 years just papaw worked so faithfully on will no longer be part of our family. The beautiful peonies, the garden that grew the worlds best tomatoes and fresh corn, the 2 fish ponds that grandmother loved, all the pretty flowers, the apple trees, the pecan trees, the swings. No longer ours. No longer kept up. What will happen to all of it?

Christmas and Thanksgiving won't ever be the same either.

The other day I was driving down the road and saw a sunburst through the clouds on a sunny day. Every time I see one of these, it reminds me of grandmother because the morning after she died, through my tears, on the way to a 8am biology lab freshman year, on 3 hours of sleep, I saw this, and thought to myself, that is grandmother being welcomed to heaven, and it made me happy. So everytime I see one of these, I always tell her hello. The other day I said hello to papaw and grandmother and that saddened me. Not that they were in heaven, that makes me happy because they are together again, but because now I am missing both of them. Then (I can't remember if this was minutes later, or on another day completely, but for story telling purposes lets say it was minutes later) I heard a song on the radio that was played at papaws funeral that almost made me cry, then the very next song, was a song that always reminded me of grandmother, that I listened to, that made me cry every time, and sure enough, it came on directly after the song for papaw, then it was waterworks in my car driving to the barn. Double whammy.

These are all the thoughts going through my head today on my 3 year anniversary with Uriah. This is why i'm sad. I wanted today to be special. To celebrate. To get away, spend special un-interrupted time with my husband. These past few weeks have been so hectic. I wanted to celebrate today. Instead of celebrating it feels like any other day, only sadder. He's at work, i'll have to go to the barn, and now i'm faced with these depressing thoughts.

To top it all off, as you all know, I will need to have surgery again, for the 4th time (maybe the 5th, I can't remember) on my left ear. I had to see the doctor today, and I thought I would have a date scheduled at this point, but they are going to call me to schedule it instead. So now I have to wait 5 days for someone to call me to schedule it. I always was told that there is a risk that I could lose my hearing totally, that the procedure could be ineffective, or the facial nerve that was involved with my surgery last time could be affected this time, worst thing would be facial parlysis. These are all risks that I face during each and every surgery i've had. But dang, it felt extra IN MY FACE this time. Maybe it's because i'm older now, and worry more? The doctor said that if he goes in and sees that the prosthetic ear bone is involved with the facial nerve too much he will just close me right back up so as to not cause MORE damage. Can I just get a break? Some good news? I know, I know, there are WAY more worse things that could happen to someone, and don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful for everything that I have that God has given me, but I just feel so bummed right now. The only place that I lose myself, and everything is right with the world is on Tuff. Seeing the world through the ears of my red headed horse just does me proud everytime. He by the way is doing fabulous. He's out in the pasture with his two buddies right now as I type this. This I know, makes him happy, which makes me happy...Happy for him, and happy that I no longer have to spend HOURS upon HOURS a day grazing him, and giving his mind something to do other than stand in a stall watching other horses do what he wants to do so badly. Now he's doing it! :)

I know this has been a long post, but after crying virtually the whole way through it I feel a little bit better now. Tomorrow will be a good day surely, as Uriah and I are going to go see Robin Williams stand up comedy in Baltimore tomorrow night after work.

But first, i'd like to share these pictures for my papaw. And my grandmother. I miss you deeply every day.

Above: Pictures taken with papaw on my wedding day.
Below: A picture of papaw and grandmother on THEIR wedding day in 1949.

Last Christmas.

Thanks for reading this far.



1 comment:

Under the Scratch said...

thanks for that... now that my face is completely wet. he's so precious. i feel sort of numb about it, but then i saw his face in those pictures and that's all it took. tears streaming.

love you. hope tomorrow is better for you. enjoy robin williams :)

p.s. what are the songs you talked about?