Monday, October 27, 2008
...something that I read today, that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
I know I haven't posted in awhile, I promise there is more to come.
....I'll just think about that tomorrow.
For now, it is time to sleep.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
3 years ago today my husband and I got married. This should make me so happy today. Why am I so bummed?
If you're a family member reading this blog, I suggest you get a kleenex, toilet paper, paper towel, sleeve, something to wipe the tears and or snot that might possibly follow reading this blog today.
To make it clear, I am NOT bummed about my marraige. I am only bummed about certain experiences lately, or lack thereof.
Maybe if I dealt with it sooner rather than later, or not at all as seems to be the case for me, but I feel like Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh. Sad and dreary. This is of course from my papaw's death on August 18th, 2008. I took a week off to go and be with my family. As soon as I got home (back to Maryland) though I hit the ground running and never looked back until I was forced by a certain song, memory, experience, sighting that reminded me of my papaw. Then it was bucket o' tears, then kleenex to dry it up, then I forced it away to focus on some of the pressing things that I had had to deal with (work, Tuff, work, Tuff, work, Tuff, Tuff) not to mention the regular things that you get caught up with on a typical day.
So needless to say, there is a possibility that I never grieved totally. That I didn't let it fully sink in. That I didn't want to believe it.
Sad thing is, that occasionally I think, I need to write a letter to papaw, it's been awhile. He liked letters. Then I realize why I haven't written that letter. He's not going to get it. I always wrote Meme and papaw a letter at the same time. I secretly feel like i'll have a meltdown if I write their letter. Only 1 letter this time. Instead of 2.
Then I get news from my mama yesterday that their selling his house. Already. The church next door is buying it and is going to use it as a home for under priveledged families for a couple of years, then they're going to demolish it (ouch) and build their sanctuary. I am glad that it will be used for a purpose such as this, but the thing is this: After Friday none of us will be able to go in it anymore. That hurts. It is in North Carolina. I am in Maryland. I can't see it anymore. I wanted to do one last walk through and see things as they used to be. My grandmother still sits in the kitchen watching black and white movies on AMC on her 13'' television eating peanut butter crackers while papaw sits in the den watching M*A*S*H playing solitaire with a deck of cards that beg to be replaced with a brand new deck. I just have so many memories in that house, and I guess I always thought that if I walked through it, I will always be able to see things that reminded me of them, things that I can picture in my mind that used to be there, then it wouldn't hurt so bad because I would feel closer to them. Knowing that the yard my grandmother and papaw, and the last 7 years just papaw worked so faithfully on will no longer be part of our family. The beautiful peonies, the garden that grew the worlds best tomatoes and fresh corn, the 2 fish ponds that grandmother loved, all the pretty flowers, the apple trees, the pecan trees, the swings. No longer ours. No longer kept up. What will happen to all of it?
Christmas and Thanksgiving won't ever be the same either.
The other day I was driving down the road and saw a sunburst through the clouds on a sunny day. Every time I see one of these, it reminds me of grandmother because the morning after she died, through my tears, on the way to a 8am biology lab freshman year, on 3 hours of sleep, I saw this, and thought to myself, that is grandmother being welcomed to heaven, and it made me happy. So everytime I see one of these, I always tell her hello. The other day I said hello to papaw and grandmother and that saddened me. Not that they were in heaven, that makes me happy because they are together again, but because now I am missing both of them. Then (I can't remember if this was minutes later, or on another day completely, but for story telling purposes lets say it was minutes later) I heard a song on the radio that was played at papaws funeral that almost made me cry, then the very next song, was a song that always reminded me of grandmother, that I listened to, that made me cry every time, and sure enough, it came on directly after the song for papaw, then it was waterworks in my car driving to the barn. Double whammy.
These are all the thoughts going through my head today on my 3 year anniversary with Uriah. This is why i'm sad. I wanted today to be special. To celebrate. To get away, spend special un-interrupted time with my husband. These past few weeks have been so hectic. I wanted to celebrate today. Instead of celebrating it feels like any other day, only sadder. He's at work, i'll have to go to the barn, and now i'm faced with these depressing thoughts.
To top it all off, as you all know, I will need to have surgery again, for the 4th time (maybe the 5th, I can't remember) on my left ear. I had to see the doctor today, and I thought I would have a date scheduled at this point, but they are going to call me to schedule it instead. So now I have to wait 5 days for someone to call me to schedule it. I always was told that there is a risk that I could lose my hearing totally, that the procedure could be ineffective, or the facial nerve that was involved with my surgery last time could be affected this time, worst thing would be facial parlysis. These are all risks that I face during each and every surgery i've had. But dang, it felt extra IN MY FACE this time. Maybe it's because i'm older now, and worry more? The doctor said that if he goes in and sees that the prosthetic ear bone is involved with the facial nerve too much he will just close me right back up so as to not cause MORE damage. Can I just get a break? Some good news? I know, I know, there are WAY more worse things that could happen to someone, and don't get me wrong, I am SOOOO thankful for everything that I have that God has given me, but I just feel so bummed right now. The only place that I lose myself, and everything is right with the world is on Tuff. Seeing the world through the ears of my red headed horse just does me proud everytime. He by the way is doing fabulous. He's out in the pasture with his two buddies right now as I type this. This I know, makes him happy, which makes me happy...Happy for him, and happy that I no longer have to spend HOURS upon HOURS a day grazing him, and giving his mind something to do other than stand in a stall watching other horses do what he wants to do so badly. Now he's doing it! :)
I know this has been a long post, but after crying virtually the whole way through it I feel a little bit better now. Tomorrow will be a good day surely, as Uriah and I are going to go see Robin Williams stand up comedy in Baltimore tomorrow night after work.
But first, i'd like to share these pictures for my papaw. And my grandmother. I miss you deeply every day.
Thanks for reading this far.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I did not start my diet last week and fall off the wagon (then eat the wagon) 2 days after I started it.
I did not go to McDonald's last night; see that they were closed due to construction, consider it as a sign I should go home and eat something healthy, (naaaaaaah) then go directly across the street to Wendy's to get some junk food that I was craving. I did not get a Chocolate Fudge Frosty Shake.
I have not pushed off plans to see a movie twice this week with my husband to go trail riding with the girls at the barn instead. *(I guess good thing for him it was a chick flick and he prefer not to go anyway. (it was my turn to pick a movie!)* I really want to see Nights in Rodanthe!
I think thats all I got for now, too bad i'm too tired to think of more.
Gotta go let Tuff out with his friends for the day while I work.
Oh, one more...
I am NOT the least bit bitter that my husband has the day off for Columbus Day and I do not.
I am not bitter that he gets to sit at home in the comfort of his pajamas if he decides to while I have to slave away at work until 7pm.
It's not fair that not everyone gets the same holidays off. I think the next president should make all paid holidays uniform for everyone just so there will not be jealousy or bitterness towards each other.
Vote for me this election year.
Have a good Monday!
*(You can find more Not Me! Monday posts at MckMama's website)* Her link is on the right side of my page. She is the lady behind the Not Me! Mondays.
It's liberating, you should try it! :)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Not really much going on. I did let Tuff out in the pasture FINALLY on Friday. I had to give him a little happy pill so he wouldn't run his little legs to a nub and hurt himself. He was out from 11 am to 3:30pm. Good times were had by all. He got along great with his pasture mates, a 30 year old horse that came with the farm 15 years ago, (Timmy) and a Thoroughbred gelding that is 11 years old with cancer. He and Tuff have been visiting over the fence for the past month or so and they seem to get along fine with each other, so it was finally time to take the plunge! It went well.
I won't lie that I felt like a very over protected mom dropping their kid off at Kindergarden for their very first day. Maybe I should've taken the happy pill.
Here are a few pictures of the day: (Tuff is the red one)
This last picture is of a Mama Fresian, she is pregnant and is still nursing a baby. If you look closely you can see the baby taking a nap beside her feet. He's a cutie. They are in the pasture adjacent to Tuff's.
I plan on going on a trail ride tomorrow, and the weather has been perfect here lately. Sunny, and in the 70's. The barn i'm at has a LOT of trails and I am going to try not to get lost on them again!
I'll post more tomorrow.