Thursday, September 18, 2008

I think I made a decision

...about which surgery to do.

So read the previous post about my ear otherwise you'll be totally lost. After much thinking (and i'm sure alot more thinking) I am pretty sure i've decided to get my stapes bone repaired for now, and hold off on the baha implant. There are a couple of reasons. First I sort of wanted to talk to my ear doctor in NC who is amazing and knows my ear better than I know my ear, to see if I in fact had nerve damage to my ear (which I do not). I told him about my hearing loss which as gotten 20% worse than the previous year, and I also told him about my 'slipped' stapes bone. I also told him about the baha trial 5 minute period in which I wore it in the office, and told him it was great and he was happy for me.

I had not told him the thoughts that were on my mind about which side I was leaning towards until he said that he likes to encourage his patients to go forward with fixing what God gave you to begin with, then if that doesn't work, go forward with other measures if you need to. He said yes, I will hear better (with just repairing my bone), but I will never hear as good as the first time I was put together. I had been leaning on that decision, and he just pushed me closer to it. I really trust him and I really value his medical opinion. He said that the baha really doesn't have a time frame to it, and since i'm only 26 you really don't know how long it will last, especially with technology advancing so fast these days, it will be outdated, and it is expensive, and some insurance companies do not cover it, and it is so permanent. That is the part that 'scares' me. I could regain almost 30% of my hearing which would put me to maybe around 80%. I am completely okay with that. I still have a right ear that is in good working order.

I have found a forum for people with ear problems, baha users, every kind of ear issue you can imagine for every different reason you can imagine and as I look and read from it, I realize that i'm alot more fortunate than alot are and really feel like I should fix what is causing my problem while I can, and keep fixing it until it can't be fixed anymore, and when i'm 50 and it can't be fixed and all options have been explored, THEN I feel like it is necessary to resort to something so permanent. But I just can't go there yet. I don't want something there permanently when I know I could have helped my hearing somewha by having the surgery, and it would be enough for me.

So tonight I took Austin on a walk, and it was a unplanned walk, I literally walked in the door from the barn after 3 hours, went straight to the drawer with her leash, put it on her, and before I knew it was walking down the street. I hadn't planned on it. But for some reason it just happened. I wasn't even halfway down the sidewalk when I suddenly found myself enjoying the sound of crickets chirping, and of Austin's toenails clicking on the pavement. These are all noises people take for granted. I felt like God was telling me 'listen and be thankful you can hear this' 'I will help you in your decision', and call me wierd, but I just feel a little bit peaceful in knowing that I am not going to get the baha now. I feel peace in knowing that my decision is getting my bone repaired instead, I feel like I was being led by the hand to this decision by God and was just led outside to walk Austin to be forced to listen, to be still and just listen...not to my surroundings, but to listen to Him. I am going to continue to listen and pray and be thankful, but until then I just wanted you all to know the latest. Thanks for everything so far.




Poppy said...

We love you and support you in whatever you decide to do...I am glad that you have made a decision and that will help relieve some stress from your life right now:)

Rachel said...

Didn't realize you'd already made the decision when I commented on your other post! I'm a dummy :)

But that's exactly what I was praying for - that God would make the choice so clear for you.

Isn't He so good that He brings us to a place of gratefulness when we let ourselves get caught up in worry and indecision? That is the only way I get through some days without a pity party.

I'm grateful for your relationship with God and your ability to LISTEN to His prompting! :)

God Bless